Relationships

Loving Someone Who Isnt Ready To Be Loved

Grayscale Photography of Crying Woman

No matter how good of a woman you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready.

I’ve been single since my divorce back in 2015, I know that’s a long time, it took me a long time to love myself again. I had a lot of things that I had to learn to love myself, before I could love another person.

So when I started talking to you, we already had a lot of things in common, which was awesome. I never really dated someone younger then me before, but I was willing to give it a try, what could go wrong I asked myself. When it was a last minute decision to go meet you in person. I was nervous, like I haven’t done this in forever, I didn’t know what I was doing but it was nice for a change to do something like this.

When I met you, it was different then any other guy before, I only talked to you for 2 days before actually meeting and it’s weird for how we hit it off. It was like we were long lost friends getting together after not seeing each other in forever. Which I’m thankful for, because the whole ride there I was about to have a panic attack.

There was a lot of things we had in common, but also things we didn’t see eye to eye on, which is totally fine. I just felt at ease with you, like I could tell you my deepest secrets and I felt like I could trust you with anything. See for me, I get vibes from people, I can tell if you’re someone I can trust or not just by meeting, hidden talent, probably so.

I shared my life with you and you were so accepting and that’s rare for me, it was nice that someone could look past my flaws and like me for me. Now I don’t know if you just said what I wanted to hear or whatnot. I guess I’ll never know now.

Even though we only really got to see each other on the weekends (well most of them) It was something to look forward to. Like it didn’t matter what we were doing, as long as I got to do it with you. Is that weird? I know I’m basic. I like the quality time with a person more then anything else.

Grayscale Photography of Woman Touching Her Eyes

The thing I struggled with the most was the in between time we weren’t together. I felt like felt pressured to text me, that I was too needy, to the point where it just pushes you away. See when I get invested in someone, I jump in head first, I don’t test the waters, I trust full hardheartedly and just go with it. That’s where I went wrong.

You had your flaws a plenty, but i was broken too, it’s like our broken pieces fit into the other person’s missing puzzle piece until it was a full picture. However you can’t force a piece to fit if it’s not the right shape. I thought I could fix you, you recently were going through a lot. See I’m a fixer, I feel the need to fix people, I want to make people better. I’ve been there, I was alone, I had no one to pick up my pieces. I wanted to be that person for you.

See what I didn’t tell you is that I have separation anxiety, codependency, fear of abandonment, low self esteem & confidence. With all of those, my relationships are bound to fail, because I have issues I need to learn to control. I didn’t know I had these issues for the most part until it was already too late.

The last weekend we were together was another red flag, I should of just seen, but I was already head over heels for you and at this rate would of done anything just to be wanted. That day you were suppose to pick me up after work, I was looking forward to it all week. I told my co-workers, everyone was so excited for me. I finished that shift and I never heard from you. Little did I know, you were just sleeping all day.

Now, at this rate, I don’t know what’s wrong so I freak out. This was probably your red flag for me, that I’m some needy girl who is over dramatic when I don’t hear from you. So I could see that now, but it’s too late now. I beat myself up for this now, what if I wasn’t so crazy about it. What if I just left it be? What if I did it differently? It doesn’t matter now.

Anyways, you wake up later that night and I find a way out to you, because I need you, because I wanted to be wanted. I didn’t feel like you wanted me to be there, remember I can feel those vibes, but I once again ignored them because I’m dumb. We basically sleep the Sunday away before you got called into work, so I had to go home. The drive home was different. You didn’t hold my hand, you always hold my hand. You always play those cute little country love songs. That really made me feel special.

You make a comment about how you have to travel normally during a hurricane to work out of state. This is where I need to accept that as a key note that you’re about to be out of town. Well, I’m dumb and I don’t do that. Instead I blow up your phone with a solid 20 texts about why you’re not replying, I assume you’re going through something and don’t want to be bothered or something stupid like that. When I finally do hear from you, it’s something like “Wow, I told you I was out of town..” That was the last text I ever got from you.

Do you know what it’s like to have something in your grasp then without a seconds notice it be totally gone? That’s when self doubt kicked in, that’s when I knew my codependency has kicked in. When I knew I ruined it for myself, because I pushed too much, I expected too much, I expected someone would jump in head’s first without testing the waters with me. I wanted this to be perfect, I wanted something that wasn’t there.

If you were never really ready for a relationship, why did you tell me you were? If you just wanted to be a friend, why didn’t you tell me? I feel like we would still have whatever we had if I knew these things at first. If you just wanted that weekend buddy, hell it’s not ideal, but I could of lived with it. I wouldn’t of blown up your phone or except so much from someone who wasn’t ready to give that away.

I thought I could fix you, so you could in return fix me. I had always asked you if you wanted to be together and you kept saying yes and now you changed your mind. You say you are not mentally fit. I wanted to be beside you to help you out.

But you rejected me. It was you who walked away, not me. You tore apart my freshly restored heart. You hurt me a lot. Do you know how long it took me to even believe in love again? Like, I have been through hell and back and I was willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt to show me love again.

For 2 weeks I was a walking zombie, at night I cried myself to sleep and during the day, I went to work and pretended to be okay, but let me inform you, I was far from okay. I was completely broken, I wasn’t eating, I barely drank anything. I slept and I cried A LOT. I felt broken, I felt unwanted. People could see something was wrong, but no one ever asked. Only a handful of people knew what was actually going on.

Woman Crying

You broke me, I didn’t think I would ever be broken hearted again. But you can’t force someone to love you if they’re not willing to show you on their own.

I was ready to go to hell and back for you, because I loved you, cared about you. But you didn’t feel the same way for me. I was just a passing face for you. Your rebound girl, everyone has a rebound or two after a divorce. I mean we have all been there.

Even if we never really did work out, I felt like we were meant to meet, even if it was the wrong time. I feel like we both took something away from that relationship or whatever it was. Yeah, I may be brokenhearted and I wished it could of ended differently. But it is what it is, I wish you the best. I hope you find the next girl that makes you happy.

It’s been a few days now and I thought I was totally over you, didn’t think of you one time. Until tonight, when I can’t sleep and my anxiety thought it would be a perfect time to think about what I did wrong or what I would do if I could do it differently. These are my flaws and I have to accept them for what they are and learn from them.

You gave me hope, you made me believe in love again, you made my soul happy and content. Thank you for the memories, you would tell me, “Sucks to be you nerd.” I smiled while I typed that. As I typed all of this out, I’ve cried the whole time. But I want to thank you. I don’t blame you for anything, nor am I mad at you, somethings just don’t work out and these are one of those things. I wish you the best.

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Hey! I'm Natalie and I live in North Carolina. I'm a single mama of four awesome kiddos. These are my thoughts on life, motherhood, fitness and everything in between.

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