Calm The Fork Down

It’s crazy the things you learn after a divorce are some of the same issues that lead to your divorce. I learned things, even 4 years after the fact that would of came in handy back then. Like how vulnerability can build healthy relationships. Today we learned how to have healthy relationships with friends, coworkers, and even your partners. Have you ever been struggling with something personal and then you go to church and that same thing is the topic.

We started a new series today about how it’s complicated & how to build healthy relationships in your life. We are all battling something no one knows anything about. We have our insecurities and anxiety that keeps us from letting people in and being our true selves.

We build these walls around us and we put on these mask to block out who we really are. Because we wanted to be accepted and want to seem like we got our shit together, but deep down, we’re a hot mess. Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone, we’re in this together.

I for one will tell you right now, my life is a hot mess. Yep, it may seem like I have my life together across social media and my blog, but it’s far from it. There’s no point in hiding and living in fear, it’s best to be real with people, because living in a life of lies can really come back to bite you in the butt.

So there’s two types of “me’s” there’s the “real me”, that has flaws, failures, an emotional wreck, and capable of love. Then we have the “fake me” who is always guarded with layers of bricks walls surrounding myself to protect myself, I wear a mask, I pretend to be happy and have a perfect life.

You have to commit to wanting to be the real me over the fake me, because to have a healthy relationship you must have two real mes. If you’re both being the fake me, you’re not going to get far.

An example of a REAL ME is in Genesis 2:25 Where Adam and Eve are both naked in the garden with no fear. They’re totally naked and totally fine with the matter. Then in Genesis 3:6-16 They ate the forbidden fruit, they failed, they felt shame from eating the fruit, they were in shame, they tried to cover up the fact they ate the fruit, they lied to God about eating the fruit and tried to blame each other.

We find ourselves going to some lengthy measures to hide how we are in real life, in fear that people won’t accept us, our past, our flaws. So we lie, about ourselves, our past and our flaws, to make us look like we’re well put together.

When God asked both Adam and Even they both sat there and totally blame the other person, without being honest to begin with. Which happens a lot right before a divorce or even during a marriage. You will sit there and blame the other person, without actually admitting that you’re are also in the wrong. You’re being fake with yourself and your partner, you’re basically setting yourself up for failure.

Like the quote my mom always said to us growing up, “When you point a finger, you have 3 pointing toward yourself. So before you throw shame, make sure your ducks are in a row. A lesson that took me just over a year ago to learn. I’ve learned a lot since then and I’m a total different person for the most part.

There were a lot of things I did when I was married that I now regret, but can’t take back, because it’s over. There were things I could of fixed and done better at, but I was determined to blame my ex-husband then to take the blame myself. That’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Failed marriages lack power and control and that can totally destroy a marriage.

You need to be able to put your anxiety, insecurities & vulnerability to the side and say to someone, “Let me be honest with you.. I’m not perfect, I have my flaws..”

In Colossians 3:3-10 tells us to be secure in the Lord, that we will not have to be fearful. We have to have the confidence that we don’t have to do it alone. That we have to be true to ourselves, so we can be true and real to others.  It teaches us that your fears and flaws don’t define you as a person. You have to put the “fake me” to death and choose to be the “real me”. “You no longer have to lie to each other..” – Col 3:9 

4 Questions To Ask Yourself Right Now – Are You Fake or Real?

• Do you long for intimacy in your relationship? 
  When you have two TRUE me’s then you will be able to have a successful relationship, a foundation that is firm and true built on honesty and trust. Without being real about yourself to your partner, it will always fail.
• Do people know the true me or fake me? 
  What front are you giving to people? What shame am I covering up? Don’t let it destroy your life, don’t live a cover-up life until you die, because one thing comes from living behind a false life. You will be alone, no one wants to be alone.
• Is the image I’m protecting not the true me?
  You can’t be both real and fake, you must choose between the two. Without being the true you, you will never be able to experience life for what it really is.
• In my relationships, will I risk being honest?
  It’s hard being able to lay out all your flaws and mistakes, but it’s best to be honest up front and put all your cards on the table, because to have successful relationships with partners or friendships, you gotta be honest, otherwise you’re just living a lie.

I’ve been divorce going on 4 years now, which is crazy within itself. I’ve been since for 5 years. Which is a new record for myself. Well, I was pretty bitter and why the reason we got a divorce was both of our faults, he’s the one that actually left me. However the fact, all the points that lead up to that decision wasn’t all his fault. There, I said it. So being true to yourself is step number one. Once you’re true to yourself everything else will fall into place.

So what’s funny about this, over the weekend, I downloaded a number of dating apps. Have you ever tried making an about me that actually sounded interesting? That’s hard, at least for me, my life is pretty boring. So you have to make this short paragraph to basically sell yourself, just for someone to be like, “how many flaws do I want to put up with..” They say, one day you will find someone who will accept you for who you are and your flaws. Until then I’ll be over here all single swiping right trying to find my prince charming.

What’s your take on Vulnerability? Are you being the Fake Me or Real Me?